Remembering, on Mother’s day 👪

Happy Mother’s day!

I didn’t know it was mother’s day today. It was Amazon, Flipkart and Hopscotch that reminded me about this day. And also a cute little card that my daughter brought from school.

(Of course, the words were written by the teacher; my daughter’s current handwriting looks like this 😉👇)

I still remember the days soon after my son was born. Questioning my every move, bombarded with suggestions, sometimes conflicting, sleep deprived and totally stressed (just like every other new mother) I had a totally confusing start. Finally I decided, the only thing that I am going to listen to, is this –

I used to feverishly pore through the pages of the book for every sneeze and every cough. What if I did something wrong. My husband was even worse – why is his leg crooked? why has he not turned? Why has he not gained weight? Why… Why… Why? By the time our daughter arrived, things were much more relaxed.

(At this point, have to acknowledge the sleepless nights, the confusions and the back breaking work, my mother and my father went through with me. My father was a like a surrogate mother to my son during my second pregnancy. So I think I am not much mistaken in wishing both of you today. Happy Mother’s Day. 😊)

But all this was not my biggest concern. I knew somehow we will scrap through. The biggest concern, problem, confusion, tension was – to work or not to work. I had reached a point where finally, things were looking up and I may or not may not have been considered for the next rung in the corporate ladder. And I loved my job and my company. Also, despite working in the male dominated FMCG sector, I have never ever been mistreated in any way (oh, I’ve had my fair share of month end rebukes, outbursts and fights 😁, but you know what I mean). My company was very supportive during my whole pregnancy period and they were ready to make some allowances to help me dive into my new designation of a working mother. So the thought of leaving everything behind was a torture to me. How many sleepless nights I had spent trying to make up my mind! Do I aspire to be a woman who has it all or do I take one thing at a time? Will I be doing an injustice to myself, my work and my education or will leaving, for now, be the right thing for everyone? How could I just leave behind everything I knew, what about my identity? Ah, Identity! It is such a powerful emotion. While I was working, I was not S’s daughter, M’s wife or A’s mother. I was Jyoti and I was recognised as such.

Finally, my back pain literally became the last straw on my back, and I quit. Though I still feel a pang of sadness whenever I remember quitting my job, looking back, I have no regrets. I am gainfully employed again, in a job that constantly challenges me and everything has fallen in place much better than I had imagined.

This is how I began my journey of motherhood and there are miles to go before I sleep. So… what is your story?